Vintage Paper

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My name is Olivia Adnan Zakira, you can call me Olly. I'm in the second grade of high school. My life is quite fun. I have so many great friends. Because of that, I became a fool by forgetting my regrets. A regret that I should always remember. A regret that happened when I was in elementary school.

One day in 2013, I, 10-year-old little Olly, cried in my room alone. I covered my ears tightly as the screams of 2 people filled the house.

"It's been 3 hours" with my blurry vision blocked by tears, I faintly saw the clock hand pointing at 10.

"Right! tomorrow is still Friday. I have to sleep now if I don't want to be late" said again. Hugging my legs, I tried to ignore the noise and started to close my eyes.

On the next day

"Olly! let's go home with me," said a middle-aged woman when I came out of the classroom.

"Where's Mama, Mom?" Yes, she’s not my biological mother. She is the mother of my classmate, Ayana. I often call her Mom because she asked me to do that.

"Your mother has had office business for a while. So, let's just go to my house, okay? Aya is already waiting in the car"

"Lie. Mama must have left the house again.” I thought.

"Mmm, it's okay Mom. Olly can go home alone.” Seeing me looking down to hold back tears, the middle-aged woman knelt in front of me and held my chubby cheeks. Smiling while saying,

"Hey sweetie, Mom has made your favourite dish, rendang. Olly must be hungry right? After eating rendang, how about buying some ice cream for dessert?" Heard that 2 of my favourite foods were mentioned, and I immediately nodded and smiled happily.

Ayana and I have been friends since kindergarten. Because of that, my mother and hers are very close too. Ayana's parents recently divorced. I think that's why Mom takes so much care of me when Mama and Papa fight. She was afraid that I would end up like Ayana.

At that time, I didn't realise. Maybe Ayana felt that I had stolen all the attention of her mother, who was Ayana's only family. Yes, Ayana is an only child, and so is her mother. Therefore, they do not have many relatives.

Arriving at Ayana's house, we immediately did a lot of fun activities. Eating together, bathing together, playing together, cleaning the house together. Everything felt so much fun that I forgot my sadness. At night before going to bed, we talked about funny things that happened at school. Ah, it feels like a dream. I am grateful to have met good people like them.

Monday came fast. I went to school as usual. I greeted Ayana at the gate and she smiled at me. We went to class together and sat on the same bench. Nothing out of the ordinary that morning. Until the clock on the wall shows 09.25. We were working on the assignment that Mr Tony gave us while he left for a meeting. No wind, no rain, Ayana who was sitting beside me suddenly said,

“Olly why are you so mean? Why did you do that?” At first, I didn't care about her because I was focused on doing my assignment. I just responded by asking,

"What?" but she didn't answer. Then I started hearing small sobs and it made me turn around.

"Hey, Aya what's wrong? Why are you crying? Are you sick?" I asked panicked while groping Ayana's hand. I was worried she would be sick. But she brushed it off, she stood up and shouted,

"IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!" I was shocked and confused. I didn't understand what was going on.

"You came to my house and destroy my things, told my mom to cook your favourite, told my mom to bathe you, you wore my favourite nightgown, you broke the glass in my house. Because of you, mommy got sick. Because of you, I was scolded. Because of you—” Ayana's cries grew louder, making everyone gather on our bench.

My vision was blurry, my hands were shaking, and my heart was beating very fast following the sound of Ayana's crying.

“What situation is this? Is mom sick? Because of me? Was yesterday's fun memory just my hallucination? Am I crazy? Or have multiple personalities?” All these questions kept echoing in my head.

But I didn't want to stay silent. I tried to defend myself as I remember. I said I didn't understand what Ayana said, but no one believed me. Until the teacher came to break up the commotion. My teacher asked what happened, and everyone told Ayana’s story without letting me speak a word.

"It's not like that, sir! Olly didn't do anything! Olly didn't do anything wrong! I didn't know why Ayana was crying, I didn't do that!" I kept defending myself but I didn't have the energy to speak anymore.

I hope my teacher could act fairly and try to find out what happened at that time. But indeed, the reality is bitter. My teacher looked at me coldly and told me to change my seat. He didn't care at all and just let things go. That day ended much slower and stifling than usual.

Then I found out that Ayana's mother was not sick. We even passed each other at the gate. Strangely, Ayana always held my hand whenever Mom was around and brushed it off as soon as we entered the school environment. I know, it sounds silly and doesn't sound like a 'big deal' to adults. Maybe they think it's just nonsense words that come out of children's mouths.

But the victim, in this case, is a child too. I am a child. The people who hear Ayana's chatter are also children too. If only Ayana talked to adults at that time, maybe they would find it an adorable joke. It's different if this happens within the scope of children, who are still innocent, not knowing what's right and what's wrong.

Believe me, since then my world slowly began to crumble. I got bullied. Not only by my classmates. I was also bullied by seniors and people I don't even know. I don't want to give details about the bullying I got. It was too brutal and terrifying for a 10-year-old child to experience.

Until one day, I ventured to tell what I experienced. Mama didn't look surprised, she just cheered me up and told me to hold it in. I, who was still a child and felt uncared for, began to cry.

"Why? Why should I hold it in? What did I do wrong to be treated this way, Mom? WHY?" I raised my voice.

"Patience dear. Trust me, it's only temporary. Soon they'll stop bothering you. You can ignore them and they'll be bored after a while. Just hold on, okay?" Mama said, trying to calm me down.

"Soon? when will it be? I can't hold it anymore. I can't stand it if I get treated like this. I want to change schools. If I stay there, I think I'd rather die." Hearing that, Mama was surprised.

"What did you say? Die? You are just a little child and you already have the wish to die? What do you know about death? Mama should be the one to have said that! You have no idea how hard it is to be a mother!” Mama grabbed my hand roughly.

"AAAAAK! It’s hurt! Mama let go of Olly's hand! Please!" I shouted while sobbing. But my mom took me to the bathroom.

Byurrr

Byurrr

Byurrr

Mama kept dousing me with water until I stopped crying.

"Have you calmed down?" asked mama coldly. I lied by nodding my head. Then Mama hugged and stroked my wet hair. She said,

“Olly is mama's strong girl. You have to get used to it. When mama was a child, bullying was much worse than what you're experiencing now. If you're just complaining like this, how will you survive in this harsh world? Trust Mama, there will be a day when you can fly freely and beautifully like a butterfly. Got it?” I lied again by nodding my head.

No matter how hard I think, I still don't understand. Why do we have to get used to bullying? Has bullying become a culture without us realizing it?

And here I am. Looking at the beautiful night sky from the school roof. Telling my gloomy experience on some old vintage paper. This story is what I regret. Because I had forgotten about this story, I returned to that dark time. I trusted people and I'm betrayed again.

As I told you before, my high school friends are very good and great. Good at being two-faced, more than Ayana. And great at bullying. I couldn't fight back because no one taught me that. Haha, isn't my life as fun as a joke?

One thing that I want to say, is don't ever take bullying as a light case, even if you think it's not a big deal. Because you will never know how it feels like until you feel it yourself.

Huft, I think it's time for me to go. I'm sorry Mama, it turns out that I can't be as strong as you hoped.

Brak.